The holidays are here! Families come together, gifts are given and received, and special moments are made into memories for years to come. There are so many fun festivities we look forward to sharing with family and friends each year. And though this is a highly anticipated time of year, it can also be emotionally conflicting for birth parents.  

Understanding Grief During the Holidays

Whether you placed your child for adoption one month ago or 20 years ago, grief can still seep into your life and cast a shadow on your otherwise joyous holiday celebrations. When grief catches you off guard, it can be jarring and leave you feeling isolated and conflicted for feeling sad amidst the joy of others. Remember that you are not alone and your grief is not bad or wrong; it is a beautiful reminder of your love for your child. 

Why the Holidays Can Be Difficult for Birth Parents

Regardless of your level of openness with your child and their adoptive family, the holidays can be difficult. Family time can be a reminder of the blessing your child is to your life and his or her adoptive family, while also accentuating the reality of the loss you feel when they are absent. During this season, honoring family traditions often gives a sense of belonging and identity, while also causing grief that your child is not present to join in the traditions that are important to you. While difficult, it’s normal to have these conflicting emotions and bittersweet moments of grief. 

Practical Ways to Navigate Grief During the Holidays

When you find yourself experiencing grief this holiday season, here are a few practical ideas that may help you grieve well, regardless of your level of contact:

1. Acknowledge Your Grief

Grief is not bad and how we process it matters. Acknowledging that grief is there and affecting your holiday is the first part in getting the support you need. It may look different day to day – sometimes more, sometimes less – and that’s okay, too.

2. Plan Ahead for Difficult Moments

Think ahead to which events or conversations may be difficult or may spark grief. These may be your most anticipated events or traditions. Make a plan for how you’ll take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health that day. Reach out family and friends you trust and let them know how they can support you.  

3. Talk About Your Child with Trusted People

Your child is part of you and an important part of your life. It’s natural you would want to talk about them, especially at a time so focused on family being together. Find ways you can talk about him or her when you are at gatherings. Remember that well-meaning, supportive family and friends may not initiate the conversation for fear of upsetting you. By initiating the conversation, you’re giving them permission to ask and talk about your child, which can help alleviate feelings of loss and feeling isolated in your grief.  

4. Talk with Another Birth Parent

While your story is uniquely yours, another birth parent understands what you’re going through and the complexity of emotions that come with experiencing ambiguous loss in an adoption. Don’t know another birth parent? Reach out to our post-adoption department. We’d love to connect you with another birth parent.  

5. Reach Out to Your Child or Their Adoptive Family

Reach out to your child and/or their adoptive family. Share your holiday plans with each other and what you’re looking forward to. Knowing how they’re celebrating can bring peace and comfort, rather than sitting in the unknown. If you’re not in contact with your child, write a letter to them. What do you love about the holidays? What would you share with them if you could? What traditions, special recipes, or events would you share? Writing can be a helpful outlet to process your complex emotions.  

6. Create a New Tradition

Create a new tradition with your child and their adoptive family. Traditions are important and help families bond together; because of your child, you and the adoptive family are bonded like family. It’s natural that you would have your own traditions. These new traditions can help create a new sense of belonging, and it will help affirm the special bond you have with each other. 

7. Continue Good Self-Care

Taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is especially important during the busy holiday season. It’s okay to say ‘no’ to something in order to care for yourself. Need some ideas for self-care? Check out our self-care blog post.

Finding Peace While Grieving

Your grief may come and go, creating bittersweet moments as you celebrate. Honor the years of memories and traditions you have and take time to create new ones with your child and their adoptive family. Take care of yourself and remember, however you’re feeling this holiday season, you are not alone and you matter.