Being a birth mom has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. I am grateful that my adoption story continues to bring such beauty and fulfillment to my life. You could say I got everything I wanted. I got to choose a couple that I had known since childhood to raise my baby girl, the adoption has remained completely open, I have a relationship with my daughter, and she knows I’m her birth mother, just the way I always hoped she would.
From the outside it looked like everything went to plan, and you could say it did. But after placing my daughter, things were not so bright on the inside. I struggled deeply with my grief. I knew there would be a time of grieving, as we talked about this process during my counseling sessions with New Life Adoptions throughout my pregnancy. But I was woefully unprepared for the reality of the level of grief that would consume me for years after placement.
Finding Community
Cultivating community post-placement eased some of the pain, it allowed me to share my story, to be open with other birth moms, and to connect over our lived experiences; the same and yet uniquely our own. Some of the ways I was able to find this community were through events held by New Life Adoptions. I attended the annual Birth Mother Brunch each spring, participated on several birth parent panels, speaking to prospective adoptive parents, sharing my story at New Life’s annual Gala, and even visiting high school health classes to talk about adoption.
I was always encouraged to see familiar faces at all these events, year after year. Even more so when I’d meet a birth mom who was attending for the first time, even if she placed decades ago. I am also truly blessed to say that my family and friends have always been incredibly supportive of my choice to do an open adoption. I think they share my story more than I do at times!
One of my favorite (and most “out of my comfort zone”) events I have attended over the years was Bellis’ Birth Mother Retreat. It was a weekend just for us birth moms to come together and celebrate, grieve, cry, talk, hug, and support one another, no matter where we’re at in our adoption journey. I had never felt more seen or understood in my story than I did that weekend, and I came away with some incredible birth mom friends. At the end of the weekend, I kicked myself for not having attended years sooner. It was life changing.
Support After Placement
Due to the heaviness of the decision to place your child for adoption, it is more important than anything to have that community and support. Immediately post-placement was the darkest time for me; I fought against my grief more than I’d like to admit and tried to convince everyone I was “fine.” That didn’t always work out so well, and I inevitably needed people who loved me to fall back on when I couldn’t love myself.
I inevitably needed people who loved me to fall back on when I couldn’t love myself.
I don’t remember much from those first few months post-placement, but I do remember my mom holding me as I cried through the pain of postpartum healing. I remember my best friend dropping everything and driving two hours to come to stay with me for a few days, just to keep me company. I remember my aunt coming to see me on my birthday, which was only two weeks after I’d given birth, to bring me a new outfit to wear for a surprise birthday dinner with my parents. I remember the first FaceTime with my sweet baby and her new parents after they’d finally settled in at home. My heart swelling with more love than I knew what to do with, simultaneously crashing with grief against my ribcage. Only time has made these waves less violent. The heartache has been replaced with immense joy. And I wouldn’t be where I am today without the love and support of those around me.
Advice for Birth Moms
A word of advice from this birth mom of almost 11 years – take the help. All of it. Be painfully vulnerable about your struggles. I pushed people away for a long time, kept them at arm’s length, pretended I was fine and buried myself in life’s busyness to keep from fully feeling the pain that consumed me. I should have gone to therapy; I think it would have helped me process my feelings with more grace and less judgement. Also – make friends with those in the adoption community, all sides of it. I spent many years without having solid people in my life that had experience with adoption. People can sympathize when they hear your story, but no one gets it like another birth mom, adoptee, or adoptive parent.
A word of advice from this birth mom of almost 11 years – take the help. All of it.
I know I wouldn’t feel so much peace around my adoption if not for my family and friends who loved me through what I felt were my most unlovable moments; but meeting other birth moms adds a layer of depth to your community. Being surrounded by other women who know exactly what I have gone through is almost indescribable. You must experience it for yourself. It healed parts of me I didn’t know still needed healing, even years after my placement.
Never Alone
Slowly building a community over the years has been hard work at times but immensely rewarding in the relationships that work has sown. We birth moms are never alone. We must seek each other out. You never know who might be holding an adoption story of their own in their heart, just waiting and wanting someone to talk to about it, but unsure who is safe, or how it will be received. Be that safe space for someone, and in turn you’ll find peace, solidarity, and love in others too.
We birth moms are never alone, because we have each other.
By Sammi Alexander
About the Author: Sammi Alexander is a birth mother who placed her daughter with New Life Adoptions in 2014. She gets to watch her little girl grow up into the spunky young woman she knows she will be and continues to foster a relationship with her every day! Sammi is an aspiring writer, bookworm, and lover of all things Autumn. She hopes to one day be a published author, sharing her adoption story of love with the world.