What was your first reaction when you heard of open adoption? Many families are initially fearful or wary of openness in adoption. It can be challenging to wrap your mind around committing to an ongoing relationship with someone you haven’t even met yet. “What if there are challenges? What if our personalities don’t mesh? What if they want more contact than we are willing to commit to?” These are all common thoughts when couples are initially presented with the idea of having an open adoption.

As with all things in life, hearing from those who have lived experience can help ease our fears and worries. In a survey of adoptive parents, we asked “What advice regarding openness do you have for families who are currently in the adoption process?” This is what they had to share:

1. Openness helps answer the questions your child will ask and gives you a beautiful relationship with the birth family.
2. Remember that this is not about you, but about what’s best for the child(ren). Set boundaries that you can expand on, not ones that you may regret later (it’s hard to limit openness that has been established vs. creating more openness in the future).
3. It seems frightening, but it is best for all involved. It can be such a blessing.
4. Be prayerful and trust God as His plan unfolds. Maintain boundaries and be sensitive to your child’s needs and desires as it relates to his/her adoption. Allow your hearts to be led by God; to love and be a witness.
5. Educate yourself. Consider all the options and make an informed choice.
6. Talk to as many adoptive families as you can to feel comfortable with openness.
7. Seek input from a variety of resources and experts, and pray! Make sure you are healed/whole in your desire to parent so that you are free to make decisions in the best interest of your child. Think long term; consider an evolving level of openness with the understanding that the door can always be open wider but once it’s open, it can’t be shut!
8. Don’t be afraid of openness. Overall, it’s beneficial. However, set boundaries when needed.
9. Trust those who have gone before you. Even though it may seem scary to let the birth parents in, and it may not always be easy, it will always be worth it. Additionally, for those particularly complicated scenarios, lean on the agency to help you learn the wisdom you need to navigate circumstances in a healthy and beneficial way.
10. Your child is the one who will benefit the most from openness. Be willing to consider it and do your best to keep those familial contacts in place.
11. Be flexible, this is dynamic and may often change.
12. There are so many benefits for everyone. No reason to fear.
13. Interview as many families as you can to get a real sense of the spectrum of openness that’s out there and listen to how their relationships have changed over the years. Preferably families of multiple adoptions.
14. Every family is unique and every birth family is unique. Speak openly with the birth family about your thoughts but be understanding of their feelings. The more involvement you can have with the birth family, the more your child will understand how much they are loved by two families!
15. Take one day at a time. You do not have to jump ahead to all the “what ifs”. Start with the level of openness you are comfortable with and progress to more openness as you and your child are ready. It is easier to move forward in openness than pull back.
16. Plan on it being harder than you can imagine, but also more beautiful and oh-so-worth-all-the-effort too!
17. Remember that the birth parents and birth grandparents just want to bring love. They are giving the greatest gift. Open your heart and have compassion.
18. It’s OK to take it slow and develop a relationship with the birth family. There must be a level of trust developed first. Each situation is different.
19. Openness should be non-negotiable. It is a vital part of your child’s identity and story and any reserve YOU have about openness needs to be managed before entering the adoption process.
20. It is so hard to imagine committing to an unknown family before you’ve even met. We have seen that a lack of openness has hurt our first child, but we can see from experience in our second child’s life that it is so good for all of us to have that connection. It has been obvious that God orchestrated everything, and we love having this extended family in all our lives.
21. Take it one day at a time. You’re starting a new relationship, and it will feel wildly vulnerable and hard at the beginning, but trust the process, God, and the bond you are developing with your child. Do not give up.
22. Be open to openness. You can start slowly. It’s like any relationship. Get to know each other, communicate, and be aware that it will change with time.
23. Work through the degree which you are willing to be open as husband and wife.
24. Focus on the needs of the adopted child. Openness and time spent together is for the purpose of helping and promoting the child’s security and healthy growth.
25. The rewards and blessings far outweigh the challenges and discomfort, and your child(ren) will benefit greatly.

What advice would you share with a family who is beginning the adoption process? 

*Some answers have been edited for length and clarity.