And from that day on, I knew, if I ever found myself in the same situation, too young and pregnant, I would do an adoption.
Sometimes, when I look back to that time when I was 19, sitting in my parent’s bathroom, staring at the positive pregnancy test in my hand, I am speechless. From the instant those two little blue stripes made their appearance; I knew I wanted to do an adoption. How on earth did I know this? Well, only a few years before, one of my close friends in high school got pregnant, and I remember when she told me, I told her that she had options. She could do an adoption if she didn’t feel ready to raise a baby. And from that day on, I knew, if I ever found myself in the same situation, too young and pregnant, I would do an adoption.
And so, it came to be.
Who to Choose?
But, the next, and hardest part, is finding the family that’s going to be raising my flesh and blood. My baby, a piece of my heart born into the world, no longer safe in the confines of my belly, warm and sheltered. Who is going to teach this little life about the world? Who is going to kiss her scraped knees when she falls? Who is going to read her bedtime stories? Will they let her be silly and play and imagine as big and widely as possible? Will they teach her the sky is not the limit, but to dream ever higher? Who is going to tell her she’s more than pretty, she’s brilliant and sassy and worth everything to me? Who will I entrust with this life that’s so entwined now with my own existence?
We Are a Unit
I battled within myself over these questions, knowing the gravity of my decision. When people began to hear of my pregnancy, I received many recommendations. Some from people I barely knew, telling me about themselves or someone they knew who was looking to adopt. The thought of not knowing the family personally made me uncomfortable. I know as a birth mother, I have the choice to meet with the family beforehand and try to get to know them before the baby arrives, but that just didn’t seem to sit right with me. I wanted to be a part of my daughter’s life, so I needed a family that was going to accept me into theirs also. We are a unit. I want my daughter to know who I am and where she comes from. That was incredibly important to me.
It so happened that a couple I had known since my childhood had been looking into adoption for quite some time and had been waiting for the timing to be right.
And so, it came to be.
It Was How It Was Supposed to be
My mother told me about Josh and Aimee, whom I hadn’t seen since their wedding nine years earlier, and that they were interested in talking to me. This was still early in my pregnancy, I was probably four months along, and was still working through all my emotions about the baby. It was too soon for me to talk to an eager couple, full of hope. While I was already mourning my loss. I needed time to be sure, so I spent the next month researching agencies and the adoption process.
I prayed, a lot. I cried, too many tears. I cursed myself for getting into this situation in the first place. I felt unworthy of being a mother. Why had God set this path for me? Why did I have to make this decision? All these emotions tore at me until I gave in, to God, to His plan, and began to walk the path He laid before me.
God placed them on my heart and wouldn’t relent. It was how it was supposed to be.
I truly feel that God’s timing is everything because he brought me to this couple exactly when I needed them. At a time when I was feeling so unsure and utterly terrified of my future and my daughter’s. The thought of this couple raising my child seemed effortless, natural, right. I had known them since I was nine years old, just a quiet young girl, who always seemed much older than she was. Ten years later, I would give them their first child. God placed them on my heart and wouldn’t relent. It was how it was supposed to be.
I wish I could recall the exact moment I decided this couple would be the parents of my baby, but I can’t. I just remember packing myself up from my college dorm at the end of the semester, and moving home, the decision set in my heart that I needed to call and give them the good news. They, of course, enthusiastically accepted.
I’m Momma Sam
It was the best decision I could have made for my daughter. They are the most amazing parents to her, and I have been able to watch her grow up and be a part of her life, just as I had hoped. She knows who I am, and we have been very open with her from the beginning that she is adopted. I’m Momma Sam to her, which just melts my heart. An absolutely beautiful family emerged from the most uncertain moment of my young life. I am forever grateful for Josh and Aimee, and the life they have given to our daughter, and to me.
About the Author: Sammi Smith is a birth mother who placed her daughter with New Life Adoptions in 2014. She gets to watch her little girl grow up into the spunky young woman she knows she will be and continues to foster a relationship with her every day! Sammi is an aspiring writer, bookworm, and lover of all things Autumn. She hopes to one day be a published author, sharing her adoption story of love with the world.